Contact Me (But Please Don’t)

Welcome to my contact page! The irony isn’t lost on me that I’ve created an entire page dedicated to the art of not being contacted. Think of this as a digital “Do Not Disturb” sign, but with more words and questionable life choices.

Current Location: Somewhere You’re Not

As a digital nomad, I’m currently typing this from a coffee shop in [LOCATION CLASSIFIED]. Could be Bali, could be Berlin, could be my childhood bedroom – the beauty of remote work is that geography becomes as fluid as my sleep schedule and my relationship with conventional office hours.

How to Reach Me: A Choose Your Own Adventure

Option 1: Send a Message in a Bottle Environmentally questionable, but at least it gives me 6-8 months to mentally prepare for human interaction.

Option 2: Carrier Pigeon Please ensure your pigeon has a valid passport. I move countries more often than most people change their sheets.

Option 3: Telepathy Still working on my Wi-Fi connection for this one. Satellite internet is spotty in most dimensions.

Option 4: Email (sigh) If you absolutely, positively must disturb my carefully curated solitude: info@swen-mercer.com

Response time: Somewhere between 24 hours and the heat death of the universe, depending on my current timezone confusion and caffeine levels.

What NOT to Contact Me About

  • “Quick questions” (they’re never quick)
  • “Picking my brain” (it’s not that interesting, trust me)
  • Cryptocurrency tips (I’m already rich in disappointment)
  • Your nephew who “knows computers” and could do my job for half the price
  • Invitations to your cousin’s wedding (I don’t know you OR your cousin)

Office Hours

Monday through Friday: Probably sleeping
Weekends: Definitely avoiding emails
Holidays: What’s a holiday when every day is Monday?

Testimonials from People Who Tried to Contact Me

“He never replied, but his out-of-office message was hilarious.” – Former Client, Probably

“I sent him three follow-up emails. He read them all and responded with a GIF.” – Someone’s Marketing Team

“Professional, reliable, and geographically impossible to pin down.” – That One Person Who Actually Gets It

Disclaimer: By visiting this page, you’ve already contacted me more than I’m comfortable with. Please proceed to the exit (the little X in your browser tab) and have a day that’s as pleasant as my desire to be left alone.

Currently avoiding emails from: A beach somewhere, probably