Standseilbahn entgleist: Zahl der Todesopfer in Lissabon steigt auf 17
Well, folks, it turns out the charming, picturesque, Instagram-worthy mode of vertical transportation known as the “Elevador da Glória” decided to add a little too much drama to its usual uphill battle in Lisbon. You know, just your average day when a beloved century-old funicular goes from quaint to catastrophic faster than you can say “tourist photo op.”
Apparently, the “glory” in Elevador da Glória now refers to the sheer audacity required to survive a ride. How vintage. Seventeen lives tragically lost, 21 injured, and officials are still playing the world’s favorite post-tragedy game show: “Whose Fault Is It Anyway?”
Eyewitnesses described the scene as “chaotic,” but then again, when a massive railcar detaches and makes gravity its co-pilot, chaos is pretty much the onboard entertainment. Lisbon’s historic quarter, with its cobblestone streets, azulejo tiles, and now a surplus of crash debris, has never looked more authentically tragic.
And yes, Germans are among the victims. Because forget beer and efficiency — sometimes, vacation roulette spins the funicular wheel and lands on “We’re very sorry for your loss in three languages.”
Officials, shocked that a vehicle first launched in the late 1800s could possibly have safety issues, are now investigating the cause. Don’t worry, I’m sure “decades of wear and tear” and “maintenance budget: €12 and a heartfelt wish” had absolutely nothing to do with it.
In the meantime, tourists are kindly advised to stick to safer forms of transport — like scooters piloted by drunk expats, or the ever-reliable “just walk and pray the hill isn’t steep.” Alternatively, if you were hoping for a thrill ride, there’s always Ryanair.
Our thoughts go out to the families affected, and also to whatever engineer is currently deleting “Glória is totally secure” from their LinkedIn profile while updating their CV to include “unexpected rollercoaster operator.”
Lisbon, darling — beautiful as ever. Just maybe skip the railways next time and go straight to the wine tasting.
